I'm graduating in September!!!

Gosh I can't imagine myself that I haven't been writing my blog! I'm feeling guilty about this because this is supposed to tell stories about every new journey of my life. Even I have old draft blog that I didn't continue typing. A lot of things happened to me mentally actually. 

I was still feeling disappointed myself that I still didn't finished my course that I supposed to finished. Do you ever felt the same like me? Feeling of all your friends graduated before you, getting older year by year and no friends you can study together or eat with in university? I always feeling of unable to have self-control and most of the time I have no confident of myself. You know what, all these challenges pull me down a lot. I am afraid of telling people I failed again, knowing they knew it is my last semester but you have to tell them it is your last semester again. So afraid how they would think about me. I was so ashamed about myself while seeing your friends graduated without failing. Therefore, I became anti-social, I don't chat with the people that I think we are close. Especially people in my church.

I almost quit my course. I thank God for those who supporting me all the way and give me hope of continue to finished my course. Because of them I finally can graduate. Honestly, I never felt that happy when I looked at my result. I cried happy tears, I couldn't believe I passed. I tell you something, one case study that I need to do after my practical (caused me to failed on the previous semester), I wasn't doing good again in my current semester but God gave me another chance to redo the case study. You won't believe that I have to redo the same case study not new topic. So I took the chance to add more information in and correct the answers in four days. I also very thankful of one person who sacrifice his time to help me with my case study. I am so happy about it. :) Yeah the rest of the story will be telling to my friends and family. Thanks for reading and I'm so happy I able to share my joy. Last thing, don't give up when you think there is no hope.

Helpless but appreciate

I want to share about my feelings right now because I don't know what to do with it. I really dont like the feeling of helpless. Sometimes can make me feel like I hate myself for this. I know I shouldn't feel this way, so I am here to share and I have already shared to God but not enough. I also suppose to do my studies but keep thinking about this. But I will make this a quick blog. 

I have a friend who is very close to me. It is sad to tell about my friend's story. From this close friend of my, I have learnt so much from this person. I have learnt that life is actually unfair most of the time. This makes me wonder, God is there or not? I know I shouldn't doubt Him, I have to tell myself God has reasons for things happened and have to learnt to trust Him. Honestly, I thank God for everything what I have right now, I have a family that can support me with FINANCIAL and love. When I have everything, I don't feel the suffering of getting double jobs to support myself with my daily living. However, I have learnt to appreciate the money I have with me and know how to use the money wisely. I also learnt what are not important to me and even with what I enjoy but I able learnt to limit myself and still able to make me happy with what I have. I remember this verse, "And I am not saying this because I feel neglected, for I have learnt to be satisfied with what I have." Philippians 4: 11. Yeah, even I don't have something, I won't feel neglected but happy with what I have right now. 

With the life that go smoothly, not everyone have that kind of life, someone that close to me already has this problem. From the life that I have, I couldn't understand what going through in my friend's mind. I wish I can understand and able to help my friend. I know my friend will say you don't understand my problems, don't bother me. I know not just my friend, but people around me that have problems that haven't share by them. At one point, I just want to be with my friend and other people around me. I just don't want to feel they are just by themselves. I understand about their feelings, I just don't like them being themselves and ignore my help. I don't want them to focus on their problems and thinking is the end of the world. Yeah, this is why I feel helpless. Right now, I am desperately praying for my friend. 

You know, I just found my own motivation to study really hard with no excuses. I learnt that if I am not working hard for my own, how can I work hard for others. I also believe, God with bless me for working hard for something meaningful or I cherish the most. I wanted to show I actually appreciate what I have. I am thankful of knowing my friend's story. 

Cloud with negativity

I apologize for not blogging. I just really lazy for updating and I addicted to youtube. Youtube has so many video to watch and it will takes like the whole day. I know is really bad so I just tell myself to watch in the morning only. Okay, have to stop talking about youtube and back to the main reason of posting my blog today. 

I'm guessing you will know what I am going say. If not, I will say that recently I have been thinking so much negative thoughts. I guess I can say I am not a positive thinker and I thought I was. At the beginning, it was on and off but recently is quite often and I also been praying about. This situation I never thought I can be really negative, all my life I just know that I am not capable of doing anything right or wise decision in my life. People will also say I am a carefree person, never worry about anything and people see me always happy. It is true, I always have a family who love me and I trust them so much that they will not let me go though difficult life. However, it is not a good thing for me, I have so much trouble that is inside of me. Therefore, it has become worse in my young adult life.

I know I am the person who do not dare my fear if I know, uncapable of being independent, anti-social, selfish, afraid of taking my responsibilities, unorganised, poor education, confused or blur and I can go on all my negative side of me. At the beginning, I never thought so much about it but I live with it means I accepted that I am all those. There are few things about me that my mother said to me are I am not hard working like my elder sister and smarter like her, I also been told that I am not dependent like both of my sisters. My mother also said I am troublesome daughter, always make trouble to her. I also been told I dont know how to save money like younger sister do. Another thing is stupid. You know what, I never been angry at all to my mother but jealous on my both sisters. I just believe what my mother said to me because she is my mother and be sad about it. I also never thought these are really bad to myself. 

I can tell you when I believe I am all those, I don't care about anything like how terrible is my results are but I also will be happy if I can get my results good. I also don't care about changing for better or worry how my future will be like. I started to know it is dangerous to me when I came to Perth which I have to experience further about my problems. Alright, I let you know when you believe something, you will act upon it. I believe that I am uncapable of doing anything, I won't do things and I will be scare to do things because I will cause problems to others. I also believe I am not smart, so I don't take serious or work further more for my study. I do sometimes I want to show I can do it but not long and not successful. These negative about me have pull me away from experience something greater. 

It all started through my friend when I am here in Perth. I realised that when you want to find a true friend, the friend definitely dare to tell you things that you don't like to hear about or break your pride! Also, the friend will give you the best advice to improve. At the same time, God also part of my life that changes my life. God has been helping to open my heart and eyes to see my flaws bravely. God is the one that doesn't say I am worthless and He just say I am valuable, worthy to love and uniquely made by Him. I always compare to anyone else around me like how my mother compare me to my sisters. I couldnt stop even I tell myself to stop because so many thing lead me to negative thoughts about me. I usually help by telling myself I am unique that I am different from anyone else and is hard. Recently, God has confirmed me about it. Our value is never change no matter what people said, destroy us or how bad is our situation. NOW, I tell everyone of you God loves you no matter who you are because He made you. He said that I already feel enough and overcome. I still want to pray for myself to ask God for strength. Pray for me too. 

Library is my comfort place

Hahaha is true library is my comfort place now. I have been going to library everyday whenever I can to go library. When my friends ask me what I am doing in any other day, I just answered I am at the library studying. Like right now, I am blogging in the library and at my favourite area everytime. The area that has long, spacious and wall plugs!!! I love it when I saw them because I have my laptop everytime I go uni. I also can't believe myself that I goes to library everyday and is part of my lifestyle. But at night is different, I will go different building to study because library close early and the building I go is 24 hours!!! Yes 24 hours!!! How cool is that! Well that building is call abacus lab where only has computers, printer, scanner and few big tables. At the beginning of semester, not so much of students go abacus lab except during the day, so I love going there when there is no one besides you. I love there is no people around me, so quiet and peace. =) Means I can do anything I want at the place I am doing my studies. =P 

Okay, I have one good reason to go library to study is not cold like at home. Is sad that my room is super cold that you have to on the heater and is not a present feeling to on the whole time. I couldn't concentrate when my hand is so cold and when heater is on, I have to put my hand in front of the heater and my hand cannot move away from it. So annoying right? It also expensive to on the heater. =(  I can't wait for the summer to come because that time, I can predict that a lot of students will take over my favourite area and I can't be there at anytime I want anymore. One good thing is my clinical placement is coming soon, I wont be going library everyday anymore! So sad when I am thinking about it. I love library! 

Hahaha, yeah sorry I just share about me being in the library. Is just that my mind just think of going to library and how I am so enjoying it. =) Alright, back to study now. I have so much to learn before I go my clinical placement. Thanks for reading it and wish everyone enjoy your day as much as I do. 

Changes in me that desire to do

Recently I have the desire to change. My meaning of change can be anything such as being active in something, meeting new people with willingly, motivates myself to study, learn from people and many more. I can tell you throughout the blog. But I might just explain why I have the desire to change. 

Now, I understood a verse that I always wondering what are my desire in my heart. This is the verse in Psalms 37:4 "Seek your happiness in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desire." Yeah, I always have this in my mind when I came across this verse most of the time I read my bible. I also do not understand what does it mean at first, so now I understood and I am so happy to share it on my blog. 

It is true that I have to seek my happiness in the LORD, because all these time I have been depending on a friend of mine. This friend has been my best friend while I am in Perth, I always feel so happy to be around with my best friend. But one thing I know that my best friend cannot be around me to makes me happy. Many times my best friend disappoints me, it hurts me so much. I realised that I depend on my best friend so much that I feel so weak and wanted to stay in my comfort zone. That's really kills me inside that I am not happy with it. Actually, my best friend knew about it that my best friend asked me to seek the Lord not me but I do not want to accept that. The main reason of not seeking the Lord because I want human to make me happy not nothing. I can't feel God is with me like hug me when I feel down, have a few conversations, teaching me while I unable to study and many things that human do. Yeah, I can say that many things going on in my life during the year that I haven't touch my blog. 

Then I felt so tired of seeking my happiness from my best friend. Time to move on to my next level of my life. I was like awake from a bad dreams and so relief that I can choose not to go through that again.  I won't say that is a bad dream just unhappy moments. I also have happy moments because is happy when you have best friend with you to count on. After that I seek the Lord when I am struggling to get out of my unhappiness, I am actually getting better everyday even though is not easy. I feel even happier than before, God has been helping me to open my eyes, my heart, ears and soul to accepts things and be happy about it. Slowly, I know what is my desire in my heart which is to change to be the person that God wants me to be. 

Honestly, I have so much to talk about it and I do not want it to be long on this post. So, I will post another blog when I am free again. This is just the introduction. =) Thanks for reading such a long blog. I really hope everyone will enjoy it.

My Testimony

Sorry for the delayed but I didnt forget about posting my testimony. =)

Here it goes....

I let you know that my life doesn't have any suffering because my parents love me and my siblings so much that they never wanted us to suffer. The reasons of making us safe because they had been through difficulties in their life and they also never give up for taking care of us. I am so blessed by God that he gave me such a loving and wonderful family to me. I know every family is not perfect but I satisfied for what I have in my life because God already gave me what I need. 

How I noticed there is God? I have many friends who dont have the same life as mine, so I wonder why I have this kind of life? I also wonder if I have the opposite life, honesty I really cant live in it. I was like WOW there is someone knew that I have to be in this kind of life. Of course God can do that! Besides that, things happened at home God has been helping my family so I believe God is real and I am thankful of what God has done with me!

For I know God is real, I took my step to received him as my savior when I was 16 years old. After I had received Jesus as my savior, I was out of touch from him because I thought that I became a Christian, everything will be easy for me and I never knew that I have to read bible, pray and worshiping him to get closer to Jesus. I also don’t know about baptism until I went to baptism workshop. Before that, I just knew that baptism just get out from the water and when you get through that is no way out mean I cannot escape from being a Christian. 

However, baptism is not that bad as I thought would be. It is just a higher level to get closer to God even more than before. It also a commitment to him that I really surrender my life to him and being obedience to his word.  To be honest, I have trouble of getting myself baptize because I am not a worthy of him for I have sin against him so much that I might hurt him even more if I do. But then I realized that’s not important anymore for I have forgiven by him who sacrifices his only son to show his love for me and he just want to have a relationship with me. That’s all matter. 

You know what, when I came to Perth to study, I feel so blessed because this is the place I know God so much more and know how to get closer him. I also want to thank God that he given me so much friends that I ever have. From that on, I didnt feel unhappy like I used to be even though I feel abit lonely sometimes but not long. As long I'm thinking of him, I know I am not alone because I realised that God doesn't left me all of my life and I trust him. Perth also help me to learn about myself so much that I didnt think of. Thank you Lord for bringing me here.  

Therefore, I want to follow God all my life to see the changes in my life. I want to be patient with it because I know is not easy. I also learn to obedient to him then I can grow deeply with him and receive blessing from him. 

Reborn again in spirit

I finally got baptised!!! After the long 7 years of being a Christian..!!! I cant believe I took my big step to surrender my life to him... I can say I am a wife to him before that just a girlfriend to him... Now, officially his wife... I said "Yes" before I dip into the water.... It was so great !! Wow, I still cant believed after 7 years only got baptised.. To tell you the truth, is not easy for me to baptise during the 7 years... Thats why it took me so long to go forward... I have so many things going on in my life that I regret for not accepting to baptise earlier...

However, nothing is too late... God still forgive me and change my way back to him again... For the past, I will not live in the past but live in the future with him!! Even though past is gone to me, Im really want to thanks for the past because the past is how it made me how I became now.... If no past, there is no starts of the future.... Same things as accepting him as my saviour, if you don accept him, you won get anywhere closer to him... God is real, I have nothing to loose by going to baptise or surrender everything to him... I want my faith going up and up not down... I want him thats all the matters, I cannot doubt him or testing him anymore... I want him to change me to be like him... I want to have relationship to him because he will not disappoint me or forsake me... He will always with me, I have nothing to worry... =) 

PS I have testimony to post... So stay tune.. =P