Helpless but appreciate

I want to share about my feelings right now because I don't know what to do with it. I really dont like the feeling of helpless. Sometimes can make me feel like I hate myself for this. I know I shouldn't feel this way, so I am here to share and I have already shared to God but not enough. I also suppose to do my studies but keep thinking about this. But I will make this a quick blog. 

I have a friend who is very close to me. It is sad to tell about my friend's story. From this close friend of my, I have learnt so much from this person. I have learnt that life is actually unfair most of the time. This makes me wonder, God is there or not? I know I shouldn't doubt Him, I have to tell myself God has reasons for things happened and have to learnt to trust Him. Honestly, I thank God for everything what I have right now, I have a family that can support me with FINANCIAL and love. When I have everything, I don't feel the suffering of getting double jobs to support myself with my daily living. However, I have learnt to appreciate the money I have with me and know how to use the money wisely. I also learnt what are not important to me and even with what I enjoy but I able learnt to limit myself and still able to make me happy with what I have. I remember this verse, "And I am not saying this because I feel neglected, for I have learnt to be satisfied with what I have." Philippians 4: 11. Yeah, even I don't have something, I won't feel neglected but happy with what I have right now. 

With the life that go smoothly, not everyone have that kind of life, someone that close to me already has this problem. From the life that I have, I couldn't understand what going through in my friend's mind. I wish I can understand and able to help my friend. I know my friend will say you don't understand my problems, don't bother me. I know not just my friend, but people around me that have problems that haven't share by them. At one point, I just want to be with my friend and other people around me. I just don't want to feel they are just by themselves. I understand about their feelings, I just don't like them being themselves and ignore my help. I don't want them to focus on their problems and thinking is the end of the world. Yeah, this is why I feel helpless. Right now, I am desperately praying for my friend. 

You know, I just found my own motivation to study really hard with no excuses. I learnt that if I am not working hard for my own, how can I work hard for others. I also believe, God with bless me for working hard for something meaningful or I cherish the most. I wanted to show I actually appreciate what I have. I am thankful of knowing my friend's story. 

Cloud with negativity

I apologize for not blogging. I just really lazy for updating and I addicted to youtube. Youtube has so many video to watch and it will takes like the whole day. I know is really bad so I just tell myself to watch in the morning only. Okay, have to stop talking about youtube and back to the main reason of posting my blog today. 

I'm guessing you will know what I am going say. If not, I will say that recently I have been thinking so much negative thoughts. I guess I can say I am not a positive thinker and I thought I was. At the beginning, it was on and off but recently is quite often and I also been praying about. This situation I never thought I can be really negative, all my life I just know that I am not capable of doing anything right or wise decision in my life. People will also say I am a carefree person, never worry about anything and people see me always happy. It is true, I always have a family who love me and I trust them so much that they will not let me go though difficult life. However, it is not a good thing for me, I have so much trouble that is inside of me. Therefore, it has become worse in my young adult life.

I know I am the person who do not dare my fear if I know, uncapable of being independent, anti-social, selfish, afraid of taking my responsibilities, unorganised, poor education, confused or blur and I can go on all my negative side of me. At the beginning, I never thought so much about it but I live with it means I accepted that I am all those. There are few things about me that my mother said to me are I am not hard working like my elder sister and smarter like her, I also been told that I am not dependent like both of my sisters. My mother also said I am troublesome daughter, always make trouble to her. I also been told I dont know how to save money like younger sister do. Another thing is stupid. You know what, I never been angry at all to my mother but jealous on my both sisters. I just believe what my mother said to me because she is my mother and be sad about it. I also never thought these are really bad to myself. 

I can tell you when I believe I am all those, I don't care about anything like how terrible is my results are but I also will be happy if I can get my results good. I also don't care about changing for better or worry how my future will be like. I started to know it is dangerous to me when I came to Perth which I have to experience further about my problems. Alright, I let you know when you believe something, you will act upon it. I believe that I am uncapable of doing anything, I won't do things and I will be scare to do things because I will cause problems to others. I also believe I am not smart, so I don't take serious or work further more for my study. I do sometimes I want to show I can do it but not long and not successful. These negative about me have pull me away from experience something greater. 

It all started through my friend when I am here in Perth. I realised that when you want to find a true friend, the friend definitely dare to tell you things that you don't like to hear about or break your pride! Also, the friend will give you the best advice to improve. At the same time, God also part of my life that changes my life. God has been helping to open my heart and eyes to see my flaws bravely. God is the one that doesn't say I am worthless and He just say I am valuable, worthy to love and uniquely made by Him. I always compare to anyone else around me like how my mother compare me to my sisters. I couldnt stop even I tell myself to stop because so many thing lead me to negative thoughts about me. I usually help by telling myself I am unique that I am different from anyone else and is hard. Recently, God has confirmed me about it. Our value is never change no matter what people said, destroy us or how bad is our situation. NOW, I tell everyone of you God loves you no matter who you are because He made you. He said that I already feel enough and overcome. I still want to pray for myself to ask God for strength. Pray for me too.