Cloud with negativity

I apologize for not blogging. I just really lazy for updating and I addicted to youtube. Youtube has so many video to watch and it will takes like the whole day. I know is really bad so I just tell myself to watch in the morning only. Okay, have to stop talking about youtube and back to the main reason of posting my blog today. 

I'm guessing you will know what I am going say. If not, I will say that recently I have been thinking so much negative thoughts. I guess I can say I am not a positive thinker and I thought I was. At the beginning, it was on and off but recently is quite often and I also been praying about. This situation I never thought I can be really negative, all my life I just know that I am not capable of doing anything right or wise decision in my life. People will also say I am a carefree person, never worry about anything and people see me always happy. It is true, I always have a family who love me and I trust them so much that they will not let me go though difficult life. However, it is not a good thing for me, I have so much trouble that is inside of me. Therefore, it has become worse in my young adult life.

I know I am the person who do not dare my fear if I know, uncapable of being independent, anti-social, selfish, afraid of taking my responsibilities, unorganised, poor education, confused or blur and I can go on all my negative side of me. At the beginning, I never thought so much about it but I live with it means I accepted that I am all those. There are few things about me that my mother said to me are I am not hard working like my elder sister and smarter like her, I also been told that I am not dependent like both of my sisters. My mother also said I am troublesome daughter, always make trouble to her. I also been told I dont know how to save money like younger sister do. Another thing is stupid. You know what, I never been angry at all to my mother but jealous on my both sisters. I just believe what my mother said to me because she is my mother and be sad about it. I also never thought these are really bad to myself. 

I can tell you when I believe I am all those, I don't care about anything like how terrible is my results are but I also will be happy if I can get my results good. I also don't care about changing for better or worry how my future will be like. I started to know it is dangerous to me when I came to Perth which I have to experience further about my problems. Alright, I let you know when you believe something, you will act upon it. I believe that I am uncapable of doing anything, I won't do things and I will be scare to do things because I will cause problems to others. I also believe I am not smart, so I don't take serious or work further more for my study. I do sometimes I want to show I can do it but not long and not successful. These negative about me have pull me away from experience something greater. 

It all started through my friend when I am here in Perth. I realised that when you want to find a true friend, the friend definitely dare to tell you things that you don't like to hear about or break your pride! Also, the friend will give you the best advice to improve. At the same time, God also part of my life that changes my life. God has been helping to open my heart and eyes to see my flaws bravely. God is the one that doesn't say I am worthless and He just say I am valuable, worthy to love and uniquely made by Him. I always compare to anyone else around me like how my mother compare me to my sisters. I couldnt stop even I tell myself to stop because so many thing lead me to negative thoughts about me. I usually help by telling myself I am unique that I am different from anyone else and is hard. Recently, God has confirmed me about it. Our value is never change no matter what people said, destroy us or how bad is our situation. NOW, I tell everyone of you God loves you no matter who you are because He made you. He said that I already feel enough and overcome. I still want to pray for myself to ask God for strength. Pray for me too.